Thursday, January 6, 2011

what do I really want?

I really want a CURE....

but if I can't have that, some consistently in range numbers would be nice.

I don't think that is asking for much. I mean, it should be easy...THIS much insulin will cover THIS many carbs and should result in THIS blood sugar number. Right? Haha, yeah right! If you think that is possible, then you obviously aren't living a life with D!!

I wouldn't mind doing what I do if I could guarantee good blood sugar levels.

Do I mind testing my son's blood sugar numbers multiple times a day? Do I mind inserting devices under his delicate skin a couple times a week? Do I mind have to measure all that he eats and calculate his carbs? OF COURSE I do!! It sucks. But what sucks more is that doing these things, and doing them diligently STILL does not yield great numbers. Now if doing the things that we do gave great numbers on a consistent basis, I wouldn't mind so much. I may not be so bent on finding a cure. I may not post about diabetes all the time or raise funds for JDRF. I would test my son, inject him with insulin, and live life... maybe funding for another cause. But that is NOT life with D. Life with D is unpredictable at best. It is stressful, mind numbing, all consuming, and doesn't play by any rules.

I hate that I can run basal tests, tweak I:C ratios, factor in activity levels & glycemic indexes of food, measure and weigh everything, calculate carb counts, etc. and still have no clue what to expect in his blood sugar numbers because not one day is the same (even if the food and activity are...go figure!!)

It is frustrating to have my son go from 125 to 524 after eating an F'ing bagel (that he was bolused like 5u for!), have to do an unexpected site change and hefty correction boluses, have him be in range 2 hours later then to drop to 54 an hour after that, only to shoot back up to 368 after treatment (2 dang glucose tabs!!) It is no wonder the boy GROWLED when we tried to talk to him. How can that feel good in his little body?

So what do I really want?

I want good numbers. I want this to be easier. I want D to play by some rules.

Do I want a CURE?

but I would be fine if all this was just easier and more consistent.

I think both are pretty elusive. Well, maybe a CURE is more realistic.


  1. I don't know.

    But I'll pray you feel confident with your decision and at peace that you're doing what's best.

    (((many hugs)))

  2. I'm always thinking of you and Bryce and hoping for a cure as well. Hugs, smiles, thoughts and prayers heading your way, my dear friend!!!!

  3. ugh...i feel your frustration! Diabetes is such a bully and i wish that there was some black and white rules for it. You are an awesome Mommy though and you are doing the best that you can!! HUGS!!

  4. D is a bitch. Period. I soooo understand especially this week. J growls too. ((((hugs))))

  5. Amen!!! Give us consistency! Give us results! There are days we work our butts off and it seems to all be fruitless labor! And when we do have victories...they are short lived, because an hour or so later we are given another battle to fight. I feel you! From one D mama's heart to another...((HUGS))

  6. You're talking my language, Sista! I'm right there with you in the simple wish of wanting stable numbers.